The Paradox of Being Seen: Why I Crave the Spotlight and Fear It All at Once

There’s this undeniable truth we’re constantly told, whether by life coaches, spiritual gurus, or that one overenthusiastic friend who swears by the latest self-help book: all humans want to be seen and heard.

And yes, on some level, it’s absolutely true. Who doesn’t love the feeling of walking into a room and feeling like someone (or maybe everyone—let’s aim high) is actually listening to you? You’re not a ghost. You’re not just the person at the end of the group chat who only gets one “like” on your message after six hours. You are here. Present. Relevant. Seen.

But… there’s this catch. It’s not the “good kind of catch” like discovering there’s one last piece of chocolate cake in the fridge. No, it’s more like the catch that says, “Sure, I want to be seen… but also, please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t look at me.”

Sound familiar? It should, because it’s a paradox all of us—especially those of us grappling with the swirling debris of unhealed traumas—live in. Let’s break this down for a second.

The Human Desire: See Me, Hear Me, Validate Me

First off, let’s talk about the craving to be seen. It starts from infancy, right? As babies, we coo and cry and make all sorts of adorable (and later, less adorable) noises to get our parents’ attention. It’s our way of saying, “I exist! Please notice me!” And even as adults, this primal need for acknowledgment doesn’t really go away. It just… shapeshifts. Now, instead of crying because we want milk, we’re posting selfies, asking for validation on social media, or pretending not to care when really, every “like” is a small endorphin rush.

We’re all looking for someone to say, “Hey, I see you. I hear you. You matter.” And when that happens, it feels amazing. Like, I-can-finally-exhale amazing.

“As much as we fear judgment, we’re also terrified of abandonment. To be truly unseen, unheard, is to be irrelevant.”

But here’s where it gets fun. While we’re busy craving this validation, we’re also scared shitless of it. Because the moment someone really sees you, not just the polished Instagram version but the messy, unfiltered, unretouched, you-after-a-mental-breakdown version? It gets real. Real uncomfortable.

The Fear: Don’t Look at Me, It’s Too Real

This fear of being seen isn’t just about physical appearance—although, let’s be honest, who hasn’t had that moment where you hope the earth swallows you whole because someone caught you mid-yawn with food stuck in your teeth? No, the fear of being seen goes much deeper. It’s about exposure. Emotional nudity.

When people start to truly see you—your flaws, your quirks, your childhood wounds that still occasionally rear their ugly heads—it’s like being thrust into the world’s harshest spotlight. And suddenly, all that armor we’ve carefully crafted over the years (thank you, trauma) falls away.

But why do we fear this so much?

Well, let’s get to the nitty-gritty of it: unhealed wounds. We all have them. You know, the ones from that embarrassing thing you did in secondary school that still haunts you or the time your primary school teacher said something that made you feel insignificant. (Looking at you, Mrs Goh, who told me my side ponytails made me look like a “siao cha bor’ — “crazy girl” when I was in Primary One in Hokkien dialect.)

These moments, whether big or small, are part of the emotional baggage we carry. And when we’re seen—truly seen—by others, those unhealed parts of ourselves get dragged to the surface. It’s like when you’re cleaning your room, and you find an old, moldy sandwich under your bed. It’s gross. It’s messy. But there it is, and you’ve got to deal with it.

Our fear of being seen stems from the very real possibility that people will see the parts of us we’d rather not acknowledge. Maybe it’s the insecure side, the one that still doesn’t feel good enough no matter how many “You’re amazing!” comments we collect. Or maybe it’s the anger we thought we buried but shows up when we least expect it (like when we’re cut off in traffic, and suddenly we’re ready to declare war).

“So here we are: wanting to be seen and terrified of it all at once. These two contradictory feelings exist within us because, ultimately, being seen forces us to confront the unhealed parts of ourselves that we’ve been tiptoeing around for years.”

The Paradox: Seen and Unseen—Is There a Happy Medium?

So here we are: wanting to be seen and terrified of it all at once. These two contradictory feelings exist within us because, ultimately, being seen forces us to confront the unhealed parts of ourselves that we’ve been tiptoeing around for years. And who really wants to confront their inner mouldy sandwich?

The paradox coexists because being seen gives us validation—a recognition of our existence that’s so deeply ingrained in the human experience that we crave it like oxygen. But it also forces us into vulnerability, and for anyone who has unresolved wounds, that vulnerability feels like standing on a stage, naked, while an audience silently judges your every flaw.

But the why these two can live side by side, the reason we oscillate between desperately seeking attention and hiding in the shadows? It’s because as much as we fear judgment, we’re also terrified of abandonment. To be truly unseen, unheard, is to be irrelevant. And that’s a fate worse than someone knowing you snore when you sleep or have weird issues from your childhood that you’re still working through.

Unhealed Wounds and Why They Love to Mess With Us

You know those therapy sessions where your therapist gently suggests that maybe your fear of public speaking has less to do with public speaking and more to do with that time in third grade when you wet your pants in front of the entire class? Yeah, that.

“You can’t fully heal what you won’t let be seen—even if it’s just by yourself.”

Unhealed traumas have a funny way of showing up when you least expect them. And the fear of being seen, of really allowing people to witness the real you, is often tied to these past experiences. It’s not about today’s you—it’s about the you who was hurt, ridiculed, or misunderstood in the past.

These wounds stay with us, forming this invisible barrier between who we want to be and who we’re afraid we actually are. And when someone starts to see through that barrier, the fear kicks in. Suddenly, you’re not just worrying about what they think—you’re worrying about what they’ll discover. And God forbid they discover that you’re still a work-in-progress, like the rest of humanity.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

Here’s the kicker: we will always live in this paradox of wanting to be seen and fearing it. But maybe, just maybe, that’s okay. Maybe it’s this very tension that keeps us humble, keeps us growing, and reminds us that everyone is walking around with their own little bag of unhealed traumas.

And while the fear of being truly seen is scary, it’s also where the magic happens. Because when we’re brave enough to let others in, even if they catch glimpses of the messy, insecure, I-haven’t-healed-everything-yet version of us, we start to heal a little more. We realise that being seen—really seen—isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection.

So the next time you feel that familiar pull to be noticed and that simultaneous dread that people might actually be paying attention, take a breath. You’re not alone in this. You’re just a human, navigating the weird, wonderful world of being both seen and unseen, heard and unheard, all while trying to make peace with the paradox of your own existence.

And if you find yourself wanting to hide? That’s okay, too. Just remember: you can’t fully heal what you won’t let be seen—even if it’s just by yourself.